Living It

This page is called honestly living it. If truth be told if I was completely honest on this page right now, many would think I am a fiction writer. This year has given us so many punches at times I have not had time to pick myself up after the last blow. The truth is this was a year that nearly broke me.   Time to gain some perspective. I survived it. So I have to be thankful.   Thankful to my husband of 25 years who has been at my side as I stood for integrity and justice. Although I did not get justice I deserved. I do have my integrity intact. I certainly found who my friends.  As a certain advert says "because I am worth it" I am worth fighting for. Even if you have to take body blows, I will stand tall. I used the word fight there. What image was it that came to mind? Someone attacking? Or someone defending? I have started helping at a women's trauma centre this year. Within a few months of listening on the telephone line, I have learnt so much. The silence...

 It;x been a funny old month. It started with my birthday and volunteering for a charity that I have a lot of time for. Hstar. I like their work and although I am new to the organisation I valley the people, Within the week we had driven miles for a family funeral. Saying goodbye is always hard and to be honest in the last 9 years there has been too many goodbyes.  We carried on south to our family holiday with family. So days at the beach and playing games round a table was both fun with the odd bit of tension. Days that you want to capture family moments, as those moments are things that you will cherish .... and you just never know when they will be gone. We then do a nearly 500 mile trek home to yet another funeral.  This time a friend, gone too soon. This time however it reminds me that time passes too quickly, and suddenly I can say that its nearly 27 years since my husband proposed to me and 29 since we started dating (The first time we dated) As Balamory says "Whe...

In the last few weeks I have probably wept more than I have in years. I think the only time in recent years when I have wept in such a way was when my parents passed away. Needless to say I normally find crying something very difficult. Some people seem to cry more easily. I don't know if somewhere in my lived experience I made an unconscious decision not to cry but somewhere along the line crying became a difficult thing. In the last few weeks though that has changed.  Someone I once trusted hurt me deeply recently. The physical, psychological and emotional pain made my whole being cry out. I was truly broken and left with a moral and ethical dilemma.  I have no idea how things will turn out. What I do know is that there are times in my past when I have stayed quiet. Speaking out is hard. Equally though we have all known whistle blowers suffer because they blew the whistle. When you are are person that values integrity and honesty, you sometimes forget that not everyone ...

 Sometimes you start writing by simply taking a breath and seeing how things develop. In technical terms that is probably a form of free writing. It takes a bit of courage to do that. I mean, you just start typing and then you begin to actually realise what is on your heart.  The next element to this is do you actually continue on. I mean it would be entirely plausible for you to just pretend that you had randomly constructed something and have this blog as a fake free writing page. I mean today has been a bit mad/ I have walked over 21000 steps. I have nursed a sore wound. I have looked for a dog that ran out of a garden and then ran in front of my car. I have reflected on life and considered the future. You can not control how someone sees you. People will believe what they want to believe. Equally some will squish you like a gnat if they think it will help them achieve their goal. Not everyone is honest and trustworthy.  So you wait and hope that justice will be served...

 Straighten your back, breathe and step outside. The first step in a new journey can often be a bit daunting. Even when you know you want to go on the journey. Some journeys have a specific destination, whilst others have a more flexible route. Some journeys have diversion, roadblocks and rock falls the obstruct the road. Even when you try to prepare and do safety checks, one unplanned external force can make the most confident person wobble. It takes courage to step out. The scars of previous journeys are unseen. Mostly covered... but still there. Strong boots protect the feet, a walking stick helps to check the terrain ahead for safety, a whistle to sound alarm and a knife because they can come in handy. It has taken time to get to this point. Questions like do I really want to do this?                                Is now the time? Is this something I will regret not doing if I don't try? It will be...

I like to know a name. I might not remember everyone's name but I like to try. For the purposes of this post though I won't name names. I will keep things broad brush. In my years in Street Pastors, pastoral care and youth work I like to remember names. Why? The people I meet matter to me. Their stories and life journey matter. Even as I sit here typing the names and face of some of these folks flash before me and I wonder how they are doing. Some I would just love to have deep conversation them and listen to the cries of their heart. If I care so much about these people that I get to engage with, why then is it so hard for me to care about me? You would think that would be easy huh? I matter too, There I said it. I matter. Some may say that is selfish but believe it or not it is not. In the words of a well known hair care product.....because you are worth it. Worth... To be sufficiently important to be treated or regarded in a specific way.  It's not the definition people ...

 She was the most remarkable woman, Although many did not think that much of her. She seemed ordinary but she was far from that. There were many things that were unseen. A deep thinker with a strategic mind, she was often underestimated. Everything is depending on perception and assumption. Do you assume the athlete at the back is last and not able to keep at the front? Or is she ahead of the game, a lap ahead? She had kept quiet for so long, she was not willing to let someone else pound her. She might have to receive the body blows but she doesn't have to remain silent and accept the battering. If you leave it long enough, they will get sloppy. Pick your moment. Keep your head high. Don't give up. An intake of breath to draw strength. Centre. A smile breaks out across her face. As she thinks of those who get her. Few words need to be said. Good friends pick up where they left off, no matter what time passes. Strong, Compassionate, Loyal, Articulate. Fiesty because she has been...

 To speak out or not speak out that is the question. I have at various times in my life spoken out. It's always an interesting experience. On one occasion I left a job and a senior service manager called me and asked me to stay. When I explained I had a new position and detailed that I should have been moved to a permanent contract by now.... and a few other things that had not sat right with me, little did I know he would investigate further and find far more than I realised. Then there was the time when I was working in care and in a supervision session, I commented on a staff hand over that made me uncomfortable and the supervisor investigated and moved a member of staff so they no longer worked alone. Injustice and people abusing their power annoys me, Sadly though I have been the victim of people abusing their position far too often and sometimes I get wounded in the crossfire. Call me fiesty if you want but I have been a victim who has been silenced and hurt, It is funny how ...