Year End reflections

This page is called honestly living it. If truth be told if I was completely honest on this page right now, many would think I am a fiction writer. This year has given us so many punches at times I have not had time to pick myself up after the last blow.

The truth is this was a year that nearly broke me. 

 Time to gain some perspective. I survived it.

So I have to be thankful.  

Thankful to my husband of 25 years who has been at my side as I stood for integrity and justice. Although I did not get justice I deserved. I do have my integrity intact.

I certainly found who my friends. 

As a certain advert says "because I am worth it"

I am worth fighting for. Even if you have to take body blows, I will stand tall.

I used the word fight there. What image was it that came to mind? Someone attacking? Or someone defending?

I have started helping at a women's trauma centre this year. Within a few months of listening on the telephone line, I have learnt so much.

The silence can speak to you as much as the words.

Being heard is important.

You have to do what is right for you.

Doing what is right can nearly break you.

You will know when it is time to walk away if you have to.

I am not talking about the women I have listened to anymore.... Did you guess?

I never really saw myself aligning with women's trauma, although  I sure have had my share of it.

From several walks in my life.

 Maybe I just lost some readers there.

I want to dust the dirt off my shoes of this year it really has been mud.

So what then are the good things?

A fabulous husband of 25 years...

Finding my tribe. (You know who you are)

Having work colleagues that have my back and know my true colours,

And of course seeing Billy Joel in New York.

So I end 2023, glad it is coming to an end and looking forward to a new year and a clean slate,

Don't give up, sometimes you have an unexpected item in the baggage area. It can take time to clear up the mess but once clear you can carry on to the path that is for you.

To Liberty and justice..... or as should I say Freedom.

The Ups and downs of July.

 It;x been a funny old month. It started with my birthday and volunteering for a charity that I have a lot of time for. Hstar. I like their work and although I am new to the organisation I valley the people,

Within the week we had driven miles for a family funeral. Saying goodbye is always hard and to be honest in the last 9 years there has been too many goodbyes. 

We carried on south to our family holiday with family. So days at the beach and playing games round a table was both fun with the odd bit of tension.

Days that you want to capture family moments, as those moments are things that you will cherish .... and you just never know when they will be gone.

We then do a nearly 500 mile trek home to yet another funeral.  This time a friend, gone too soon. This time however it reminds me that time passes too quickly, and suddenly I can say that its nearly 27 years since my husband proposed to me and 29 since we started dating (The first time we dated)

As Balamory says "Where does the time go?"

This year has been quite traumatic..... in so many ways.

People deal with trauma differently.

Grief has been part of my life nearly constantly for 9 years now. It's funny but its kind of like part of me. 

One funeral in July I kind of expected, whilst the other a shock.

I have learnt to acknowledge loss as part of my day though.

Whether it is seeing my kids grow and achieve and think my parents would be chuffed or whether it is hearing a song that I associate with a loved one or friend.

Grief is a life long journey.

Yesterday I was in the garden and a yellow rose had suddenly flowered and it brought a smile to my face as I thought of my mum.

Sometimes we just have to pause and acknowledge that moment. Pushing it away is not always appropriate.

 July is not even finished.

One of the Highlights of July however had to be meeting Erik.

Erik was a friend 27 years  ago. We lived and worked in Dublin and we have not met since then.  We have sometimes popped up on facebook timelines and chatted but he randomly said he was going to be in Scotland (he is from the USA) and there was ONE day where our calendars synced.

It happened out of the blue with about 48 hr notice and we managed to meet at the railway station and have a lunch together.

The joy that day brought me cut through the other snash.

The excitement of a train ride, anticipating an encounter with a friend.

Even the train journey back was an interesting encounter with a stranger.

Sometimes you just know that God has brought the right people to you at the right time in order to restore your faith in humanity or restore your faith in who you are and what your purpose is.

So look for the gold in your day or month. Even when there are people intent on bringing you down, there are equally people that will hold you up.

If you have people that are willing to journey through the bad with you - cherish them - they are your GOLD

 

Truth or Lie, Stand up or be trampled on.

In the last few weeks I have probably wept more than I have in years. I think the only time in recent years when I have wept in such a way was when my parents passed away. Needless to say I normally find crying something very difficult.

Some people seem to cry more easily. I don't know if somewhere in my lived experience I made an unconscious decision not to cry but somewhere along the line crying became a difficult thing.

In the last few weeks though that has changed. 

Someone I once trusted hurt me deeply recently. The physical, psychological and emotional pain made my whole being cry out. I was truly broken and left with a moral and ethical dilemma. 

I have no idea how things will turn out. What I do know is that there are times in my past when I have stayed quiet. Speaking out is hard. Equally though we have all known whistle blowers suffer because they blew the whistle.

When you are are person that values integrity and honesty, you sometimes forget that not everyone will have those same standards. Some people dig in, double down and will flatten anyone that gets in their way.

Some valleys are deep and long. The Mountain edges tower over and the light is dimmed.

Integrity is a high value for me. So when someone you trust clearly would shove you under a bus... the breach of trust is an open wound. Especially when you have known someone for decades.

It is times like these that you find out who is prepared to travel on the narrow paths with you and who will drop you like a stone.

Be true to yourself.

Be your authentic, truthful self.

Rise and unfurl your wings.

Rise strong.

Be strong.

Be beautiful.

Courage to face the void

 Sometimes you start writing by simply taking a breath and seeing how things develop. In technical terms that is probably a form of free writing. It takes a bit of courage to do that. I mean, you just start typing and then you begin to actually realise what is on your heart. 

The next element to this is do you actually continue on. I mean it would be entirely plausible for you to just pretend that you had randomly constructed something and have this blog as a fake free writing page.

I mean today has been a bit mad/ I have walked over 21000 steps. I have nursed a sore wound. I have looked for a dog that ran out of a garden and then ran in front of my car.

I have reflected on life and considered the future.

You can not control how someone sees you.

People will believe what they want to believe. Equally some will squish you like a gnat if they think it will help them achieve their goal.

Not everyone is honest and trustworthy. 

So you wait and hope that justice will be served.

You wait and hope that you actualising tendency kicks in and you survive.

Surviving is a thing but the question is are you on your default survival mode or have you created a new pathway that is viable and sustainable?

Courage requires you to rise strong, strengthen you back and face tomorrow head on.

She begins again

 Straighten your back, breathe and step outside.

The first step in a new journey can often be a bit daunting. Even when you know you want to go on the journey. Some journeys have a specific destination, whilst others have a more flexible route. Some journeys have diversion, roadblocks and rock falls the obstruct the road.

Even when you try to prepare and do safety checks, one unplanned external force can make the most confident person wobble.

It takes courage to step out. The scars of previous journeys are unseen. Mostly covered... but still there.

Strong boots protect the feet, a walking stick helps to check the terrain ahead for safety, a whistle to sound alarm and a knife because they can come in handy.

It has taken time to get to this point.

Questions like do I really want to do this?                               

Is now the time?

Is this something I will regret not doing if I don't try?

It will be a tricky road and life time fears will have to be faced.

The scars of the past are still part of you, they shape you. You have braved wilderness before and sometimes you have smiled with joy when you found an unexpected oasis.

She pauses and centres, drawing from the strength within,

The air hits her face, with freshness that revitalises.

There will be no promise of a painless journey but it is the journey that you have wanted to undertake for decades...

So go on girl..... open the door and start the journey again.

Knowing someone's Worth and that includes your Own....

I like to know a name. I might not remember everyone's name but I like to try.

For the purposes of this post though I won't name names. I will keep things broad brush. In my years in Street Pastors, pastoral care and youth work I like to remember names. Why? The people I meet matter to me. Their stories and life journey matter. Even as I sit here typing the names and face of some of these folks flash before me and I wonder how they are doing.

Some I would just love to have deep conversation them and listen to the cries of their heart.

If I care so much about these people that I get to engage with, why then is it so hard for me to care about me?

You would think that would be easy huh?

I matter too,

There I said it. I matter.

Some may say that is selfish but believe it or not it is not.

In the words of a well known hair care product.....because you are worth it.

Worth...

To be sufficiently important to be treated or regarded in a specific way. 

It's not the definition people tend to think of with the term worth. People tend to think of the monetary value when they use that term.

So do you value yourself enough.

Probably not.

It is far too easy to avoid confrontation. Duck your head down and lick your wounds.

Instead you unfurl your bent spine straighten your shoulders, inhale and stand tall.

As for my friends that I have met on the road.

Even although I am not a Street Pastor, I say hello to those I know.

The young people I have unconditional positive regard for, regardless of what kind of day they  are having,

They know I know their name.

The thing is people matter and people know when they matter to someone.

They equally can pick up when someone does not have any regard for them.

Pause, close your eyes, centre and........... there you are.

Beautiful, messy You.

For who is perfect.

Know your shape, cherish your form, 

See the light through the cracks

Embrace the beautiful you.

True friends see the good, bad dark and light and still hang around.

True friends listen, cry and accept you for you and guess what let you be YOU.

True friends look into your eyes, share a tear and and a smile... and don't walk away.

A tear that understands and a smile that cherishes.

A tear that journeys with your sadness 

And a smile that sees you overcome.

The  key though is that you do it together because you are both worth being cherished, loved and respected.

She

 She was the most remarkable woman, Although many did not think that much of her. She seemed ordinary but she was far from that. There were many things that were unseen.

A deep thinker with a strategic mind, she was often underestimated.

Everything is depending on perception and assumption.

Do you assume the athlete at the back is last and not able to keep at the front? Or is she ahead of the game, a lap ahead?

She had kept quiet for so long, she was not willing to let someone else pound her.

She might have to receive the body blows but she doesn't have to remain silent and accept the battering.

If you leave it long enough, they will get sloppy. Pick your moment.

Keep your head high.

Don't give up.

An intake of breath to draw strength.

Centre.

A smile breaks out across her face.

As she thinks of those who get her.

Few words need to be said.

Good friends pick up where they left off, no matter what time passes.

Strong, Compassionate, Loyal, Articulate.

Fiesty because she has been crushed too often,

Introverted and guarded.

The scars of life have shaped her.

Those same scars have seen her grow and evolve 

And made her the woman she is

A strong, beautiful woman

Who Knows Love.

by Patricia Ann Ward  9/4/2022

Speaking Out and Caught in the Crossfire

 To speak out or not speak out that is the question.

I have at various times in my life spoken out. It's always an interesting experience. On one occasion I left a job and a senior service manager called me and asked me to stay. When I explained I had a new position and detailed that I should have been moved to a permanent contract by now.... and a few other things that had not sat right with me, little did I know he would investigate further and find far more than I realised.

Then there was the time when I was working in care and in a supervision session, I commented on a staff hand over that made me uncomfortable and the supervisor investigated and moved a member of staff so they no longer worked alone.

Injustice and people abusing their power annoys me,

Sadly though I have been the victim of people abusing their position far too often and sometimes I get wounded in the crossfire. Call me fiesty if you want but I have been a victim who has been silenced and hurt, It is funny how you get gaslighted and hurt if you speak out too.

Human beings can be really mean.

Christians and non Christians alike.

I am sure it all grieves God though.

So whether you have a belief or not, this Easter think of Love. Look into the eyes of your fellow human being and meet them where they are. It does not matter if it is in Happiness, Heartbreak, Joy or Sorrow... meet them where they are with compassion, kindness and love.

Unless you have journeyed with them, you do not know what trials they have had to endure.

Don't judge. 

Just be kind and love. In doing so you connect with the heart of God.