It has been a few weeks since I last blogged. The truth is I have been in a dark place, I still am...
There have been nights where I have thought about blogging but I have been too tired or too angry.
The old phase " you know who your friends are" becomes a reality when your journey is rough... Sadly though the people you think will help sometimes are the very ones that let you down. On the counter side sometimes you get support that you did not expect.
But somehow your grieving is added to by those that disappoint.
I have started knitting in the last few weeks. Partly because a teacher wrote me off at it at school, and partly because I want to be tired.
I am a slow knitter and not a great one either but I am getting there. (Online videos are great way to learn lol) It makes me tired and I am more likely to sleep better.
To most people they have moved on. To me, its fresh and I know I have not crashed yet. Every day has dark moments and if I am honest I don't expect that to go away any time soon.
You try to get on with the day to day stuff and blam suddenly something hits you and it might send you off kilter for days.
But you can't say to me get over it or don't dwell it will do you no good because its my journey and the ache that has been caused will not go away because you tell it to. It is just not that simple.
I was asked to go on a pastoral visit ... to the hospital. I feel like I know that place like an employee. I even caught a glance from a nurse as she remembers me visiting my aunt a few weeks ago.
My kids had an intake of breath when I said I was going to the hospital, they are not used to people coming out of there.
My son even said he missed the dinners we had there.
Yes when you are in that place of crisis you do what you do to get through and I had to balance many members of my family all at the same time.... and I have done for years.... its my role.
And I would not have it any other way, its part of who I am and part of the value I place on family or friends for that matter.
It takes a tremendous amount of organisation and time management to do what I do. I sometimes get it wrong but I put an awful lot of effort to manage to be there for so many.
I wrote that above section a few weeks ago and it has remained unpublished. But not much has changed, tonight at dinner my son suddenly talked about last new year and how hard it is to know he will never see gran and grandpa again. I was not expecting that conversation at dinner and it threw me. My eyes welled up and I was speechless.
All I could say was I know son its hard.
And that is so much of an understatement.
I feel like I am walking in treacle just now.
If I manage to remember to turn the washing machine on its a good day.
My team is very understanding. Thank heaven they are not the structured type that would not cope with a meeting cancellation.
This week I was struggling and I called to discover that my team had had a tough night the night before and needed a rest. I was secretly glad to cancel as I was not sure I could cope that day.
What is the point of pressing on to have a meeting because we should, if no one was able to function. Its counter productive. You don't take the info in when you are exhausted.
But I know not all think that way, some would rather complete a task rather than care about how someone feels.
Grief has no shape or structure. No right or wrong.
