Just passing by -but some are ripe for harvest

In recent years my husband and I have taken to a bit of foraging. There are so many things in our area that can be used that just simply people pass by.
Elderflower, dandelions, brambles (Blackberry) apples and elderberries to name a few.

Granted we tend to use it them for wine or crumbles but never the less there are lots of things you can just pass by....so many think its easier to go to the supermarket.

The other day I picked some brambles after a dog walk. We are gathering as much as we can and then we will make wine or maybe once apples are ready have a nice crumble.

As I was picking some were over ripe and just squirted juice and stained my hands. At another bush a strand of thorns came whipping down and stuck to my arm in 3 places ripping my skin.

I gathered enough in the tub I had with me and left, aware that many were not ripe yet. In my mind there is a wee marker saying check back in a week if you have time and there will be plenty more.

Yesterday I spoke to someone that used to be a church goer but no longer attends. They still believe but something happened along the way that they were not sure of and we they stopped for a bit.... Then things got in the way and life goes on.

My conversation was intentional. I had not caught up with this person for a while and I knew things had not been easy. It was only a 20min informal chat but it was deep in the sense we spoke about family, looking after ageing parents and death.

The conversation was genuine. Not forced in any way. There was even hilarity despite some of the topics we discussed. The person in question was brought up in the church. There was no "well you know you need to come back".... it did not seem appropriate...

But if I was to use a counselling term, there was genuine regard for each other.

Fruit ripens in its own time. Some things ripen faster than others. It does not always work to pick at things before they are ready to be picked.

Life is a journey and often along the way the thorns come a long and embed into your skin. It can take a while to get untangled, the barbs can leave a mark..

The connection I made was intentional. My connection however was also unconditional. No preach included. Some may think this kind of interaction is fruitless or pointless. It is not. It's an opportunity. The alternative would have been to simply pass by and let the fruit fall to the wayside or leave it for the birds.

Home is where the heart is - A Rosie of Clifford Road, the end of an era.

I posted the other day, as we put Mum and dad's house on the market that it was devastating and like my heart is being ripped out.

There is an saying "Home is where the heart is" and that is true.

 At the end of this week is my birthday - mid forties. All of my life, infact for all of my dad's life (minus 6 weeks) home was Clifford Road. It's been in the family for nearly 82 years.

Be clear that I have lived elsewhere and I have been married for nearly 19 years and had another home - but HOME was Clifford Road.

I know that because when I need to call my husband at home, I still sometimes start to call my parent's house number.

When we stopped the line from incoming calls a few months ago, I cried. Other family members have different attachments and have different reactions. For me though that change was significant.

Grief gets you like that and everyone is different.

If I had the money I would buy the whole building back. (It's a traditional house that has been divided over the years.)

When I used to say I was a Rosie, someone would normally know where my grandfather lived and then they would laugh as I would say we are still there.

My grandfather, whom I never knew, sold his sweetie shop to buy the home for his growing family. He eventually had 6 kids and someone would normally know an aunt, uncle or someone in the family.

He then went on to do Penny insurance door to door, so the family name was known. When clearing the house recently we found some of his old receipt books....

How I have never seen them before I do not know.

In the second world war Grandpa apparently let out the house (the flat that was my home) to those escaping the London Blitz.

Later a dear old couple  "The Mansons" rented it from Grandpa as their first home after they got married.

The Mansons were a godly couple, Joe laid they foundational stone of the church I go to and Betty bless her had an indirect connection to how I met my husband... both in glory now.

This is just a snippet of the stories I could tell. I may tell more yet.


When the house went on the market last week and I saw the picture online.... the reality of what I knew needed to happen, coming to life......

I yelped.

This resounding heartfelt "I can't breathe" yelp, then I cried.

I am and always will be a Rosie of Clifford Road.

Oh if that house could talk.
 
So I am grieving a home and the loss of both parents within 3 years.

As those who know losing your final parent is different. When dad died the Head teacher of the school at that time told me to be ready for feeling orphan like when mum goes.

I was polite at the time but I remember him saying you will feel like an orphan, you will think you are crazy but it happens to lots of people and they don't expect it.

When I told my cousin that, she said I wish someone had told me that when I lost mum, I thought I was going crazy.

The head teacher was right and I wish I could thank him for preparing me for that rather strange piece of advise, as it was invaluable.

So the grief continues...

Today my husband's aunt posted a blog by Mel Wiggins. https://www.melwiggins.com/

Well worth a read....

It shows that it is not just me and I am not a crazy emotional woman....

I  am infact quite normal.

It's okay to say that you are not Okay

Have you ever been in the position where someone has asked you "How are you?" and you just know that the answer that they are expecting is "Fine thanks and you?" You just know that the question is said out of habit or as a common greeting rather than genuine care about your wellbeing.

People learn from social cues. So fortunately we tend to know when people ask for politeness sake as oppose to those that actually want an honest answer from you.

I don't know if its an age thing or not - I am kind of known for speaking my mind. In certain circumstances... It is certainly the case though that I have less concern about the need to sugar coat things just in-case the person listening does not like the harsh reality of facts.


I read the other day an article that a minister had written about how to look after a pastor.  There is a tendency to say, you can't complain... you are in God's service and its for God's glory so of course you will do it.

The problem comes though when the world creeps in. Or worse still people take a look at your good nature, bargain on the fact that you are servant hearted and won't say no.... and slowly but surely you are ground down.

I have a diploma in Clinical and Pastoral counselling. I have not used it much formally but in another sense I use it all the time.

It is good to get a sense of what your norm is, what you can carry and when you are nearing your limit.

Even when you are reaching your limit, you still have the problem that you need to clearly state to others NO, I can't do that. EVEN if you get that far you have the additional problem that people don't actually want to hear NO from you. The don't want to receive that message, they only want to hear "Yes of course I will."

So is it ok, to say that you are not? And if you do, how do people react?

Showing weakness catches people by surprise.

Some who know you listen, park it in there mind and keep a watchful eye ... possibly making a mental note to check in with you.

Some slightly panic and think that you should stop all work now... (which is fine if that is what you want and that you get sick pay....but if you are self employed that may actually not be helpful at all)

What happens then if it takes longer than people would like?

Loss is loss. It is never the same again. The stake or time marker has changed everything. Some days you can be okay and feel that you can cope with the world, other days you feel you can't breathe. Time is a great healer.... no it is not.... time just passes and you learn how to live again under new terms.

I have had colleagues that have tried to avoid me being in situations. Now this may be a good thing but sometimes, just sometimes I want to scream why should I pretend that all is good and right when its not?

If someone has wronged me why on earth can I not say That should not have happened?

If no one else has your back you need to stand firm and say what you need to say.

Obviously you need to be wise in such matters. It could horrendously back fire on you.... you might be seen as an agitator or a trouble maker....but sometimes you have to BE THE CHANGE.

That can be a hard blaze trailing route to take.


I can sense some of you reading this is saying Uh -oh are you ok? You actually probably know the answer to that already if you truly know me.

Another gargantuan wave is a coming and I don't see me surfing it with a smile on my face.... but those who know me know I have weathered many hard storms.

"He will not crush the weakest reed or put out a flickering candle. He will bring justice to all who have been wronged."
Isaiah 42:3 NLT

Are you ready for a mindset shift?

A few weeks ago, I had a bunch of students come and visit to see what I do in the city and to do some missions work.
I sat down one night and thought, how do I prepare for this? So as you do you get all the information and try to think about presentation.  I ended up scrapping my planned, in control communication and told the blunt truth about the path I walk. I am fed up sugar coating things.

Lately I have been in a few situations where I have found myself not quite fitting someone else's box in terms of what a missionary does or how to engage.

It has brought about all kinds of reflections as to whether you see the big picture or small picture?

There are those who see "living by faith" as something where people fund you and anything less is not right.

There are those in modern day Christianity that see this way of living as no better than those on benefits.  What you expect me to fund you?

There are those who give their funds freely, unconditionally and those (like any financial institution) want to control and place conditions on you.

I seem to make a habit of blowing everyone's pre conceived ideas out of the water.

I am a missionary. I would love to be in a place where I am fully funded and I have the freedom to just get on and follow my call. It has never been that way for me.

The problem with that is that Christians sometimes look at the lack of funding and say things like.... "Maybe its not your call, maybe you should give up."

My solution to this at present is Biblical. If the money is not there.... I work for it.

I own technically 2 businesses. One is selling gifts and jewellery when ever I get a chance to make and take stalls at a fayre. The other is dog walking.

Juggling all these things with family as well as missions work is exhausting, but never the less it can be done.

Another problem with our human brain is that we like nice neat boxes and well frankly very little of what I do fits in a box let alone neatly in a box.

 People see what they want to see. They don't always want the full picture.

I have been reflecting on some decisions. In 2015 we bought my first ever car. We had wondered whether to buy a second one or get rid of the rust bucket we have. We bought a second car and when the rust bucket died  and we had to pay the cost of a car to fix it we did wonder if we had made a bad decision. We still have not paid that bill fully but we can't wait to get rid of it as now the passenger door does not open from the inside.

But and here is the but... If we had not bought the 2nd car I would have not been able to care for mum in the same way and run to the hospital in emergencies.

God had said do not start new things and I knew mum might not be around for long.... but I also knew ministry would go on after... and it is.

Opportunities are popping up without us initiating it.
New shoots are coming...
Another team is coming in August.

There is no rule book, its about obedience and timing. 

What do you see? Part or all of the Picture

What do you see in the image above? Which images do you see first? Two faces or a Goblet? Can you see each image clearly or is one harder to see than the other? Do you see all or part of the picture?

We can be so busy with what is important to us that we don't see the whole picture. Sometimes we only see what we want to see and we forget to stand back for a wider glimpse.

So many things are open to interpretation and who knows sometimes you may see something that is not even there.

How then do you understand and interpret things correctly.

If people start at different starting points you may not see the same thing at all. There has to be understanding.

My profession as a community learning development practitioner is often a misunderstood profession. 

You have probably heard the saying about whether it is better to give a man a fish to eat or teach him to fish? In other words giving a man a fish can teach him to be dependent whilst teaching him to fish gives him the tools to be independent and self sufficient.

Its the same with giving families in need presents at Christmas.... There are whole debates about whether organisations that give present help or add to a problem? Rather than make the family feel they are getting a hand out (arguably making the wealthy feel good) why not open a pop up shop for people to come and choose for them to make decisions about what they would like to give their child. (arguably keeping the  dignity of the recipient) 

I remember having this debate with my colleagues a few years ago. I ran a youth club that had a nominal entry fee. This entry fee was saved in the accounts and every term or so we would then have a meeting and decide what we would spend the money on. It could be new games, new resources or a club trip. The indirect learning from this was how to debate and negotiate, the concept of having to save for things, how to work with others and how to compromise.... amongst other things.

I was aware that not everyone would remember the money, some families might have the money at certain times of the month and not at others. The kids knew that if they did not have it, I had a grace attitude, to this "policy". I would not refuse entry but they could pay double the next week and I had a small book to mark up. The young people also knew that if this persisted they would not get in until the book was clear.

I then went on maternity leave. (Those that know me know how long ago this was) When I came back I found out the worker in my place had declared the club a free club. When I asked why this was they said it was because they had not wanted to exclude and stigmatise people in the group.

Sounds fair enough doesn't it?

Except that along with throwing out the entry fee, they had also thrown out the indirect learning. The group had lost the concept of ownership, they did not care about the resources, behaviour had gone rogue and the worker had no money in the books to replenish stock, replace what was being trashed or improve the club.

A dependency culture had been created and with that respect had all but vanished. The person had meant well in dropping the fee but the consequences were substantial.

Sometimes seemingly small and insignificant actions or even words can have a lasting impact. Sometimes that is because you are the wrong question or think of a solution that suits you rather than see if its the right solution.

If you assume that you see what the other person sees without checking that you are looking at the same thing (and have an understanding with each other) you will inevitably get the wrong answer to your question.

Again a few years ago when I was invigilating a Maths exam a pupil stuck his hand up for help. I approached and realised that he wanted help with the answer (which obviously I could not do) he had to draw a bar graph with 4 units and the paper had drawn a box only big enough for the answer, so the x axis had to be on the bottom line to fit. The boy had drawn the graph one line up, so ran out of graph lines at the top. His question to me was the answer is 4 but there is not room to fit it, What do I do? I was itching to tell him to move the axis down for it to fit but could not. His problem was perception. I just had to say I can't tell you the answer, you need to draw what you think the answer is.

He knew the answer but had a wrong starting point.

If you do not understand where the person is coming from you can end up way of tangent. 

Grief has no structure

It has been a few weeks since I last blogged. The truth is I have been in a dark place, I still am...

There have been nights where I have thought about blogging but I have been too tired or too angry.

The old phase " you know who your friends are" becomes a reality when your journey is rough... Sadly though the people you think will help sometimes are the very ones that let you down. On the counter side sometimes you get support that you did not expect.

But somehow your grieving is added to by those that disappoint.

I have started knitting in the last few weeks. Partly because a teacher wrote me off at it at school, and partly because I want to be tired.

I am a slow knitter and not a great one either but I am getting there. (Online videos are great way to learn lol) It makes me tired and I am more likely to sleep better.

To most people they have moved on. To me, its fresh and I know I have not crashed yet. Every day has dark moments and if I am honest I don't expect that to go away any time soon.

You try to get on with the day to day stuff and blam suddenly something hits you and it might send you off kilter for days.

But you can't say to me get over it or don't dwell it will do you no good because its my journey and the ache that has been caused will not go away because you tell it to. It is just not that simple.

I was asked to go on a pastoral visit ... to the hospital.  I feel like I know that place like an employee.  I even caught a glance from a nurse as she remembers me visiting my aunt a few weeks ago.

My kids had an intake of breath when I said I was going to the hospital, they are not used to people coming out of there.

My son even said he missed the dinners we had there.

Yes when you are in that place of crisis you do what you do to get through and I had to balance many members of my family all at the same time.... and I have done for years.... its my role.

And I would not have it any other way, its part of who I am and part of the value I place on family or friends for that matter.

It takes a tremendous amount of organisation and time management to do what I do. I sometimes get it wrong but I put an awful lot of effort to manage to be there for so many.

I wrote that above section a few weeks ago and it has remained unpublished. But not much has changed, tonight at dinner my son suddenly talked about last new year and how hard it is to know he will never see gran and grandpa again. I was not expecting that conversation at dinner and it threw me. My eyes welled up and I was speechless.

All I could say was I know son its hard.

And that is so much of an understatement. 

I feel like I am walking in treacle just now.

If I manage to remember to turn the washing machine on its a good day.

My team is very understanding. Thank heaven they are not the structured type that would not cope with a meeting cancellation.

This week I was struggling and I called to discover that my team had had a tough night the night before and needed a rest. I was secretly glad to cancel as I was not sure I could cope that day.

What is the point of pressing on to have a meeting because we should, if no one was able to function. Its counter productive. You don't take the info in when you are exhausted.

But I know not all think that way, some would rather complete a task rather than care about how someone feels.

Grief has no shape or structure. No right or wrong.

Caught in between

Yesterday was a significant day. It would have been Mum's 83rd Birthday. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a conference on at my church that day. It looked like my kind of deal. Organisational dynamics, reaching out in today's post modern world.

I quite fancied it but I knew it was mum's birthday. I booked it even although we have had a tight month, probably yearning for feeling a normal and competent professional. Knowing that it would be an aim to get there and knowing I might just opt out and have coffee and cake.

Then my son came home and said he was doing the address to the lassies at their burns supper afternoon. The value of being a mum who is there rose within me but thankfully as I have a hubby who is magnificent, he said "still go to the conference, I will take time off"

As the day drew nearer I was wondering if I had made the right call.

It would mean up early to walk the dog early....but I slept in.

Okay I can still do this... it was tight and I missed the first 5 mins but I got there.

I really want be here, this is my bread and butter the stuff that I love but everything within me is screaming.

I chose to sit at the back as I have the coffee and cake option in my head if I can't cope with the day... I quickly realise I am sitting next to the speakers wife... Oh dear.

One of the pastors now approaches and now tries to get me to join the body of the Kirk.... No thank you. I just want to be here.

I am struggling today and I really don't want to try and socialise with pastors and leaders I don't know.... Luckily for me there are a few friendly faces of Pastors I know both from years back and now.

I still feel out of place.

A second attempt at trying to get me to join a table at the front.... I politely say I am fine and move to chat with someone I know.

Coffee and cake might still be an option, I don't know if I can do this today...

My phone buzzes, its the school, oh I should leave and try and sort this.

I get down stairs I realise that my other child has attempted to contact too.

"What" I am trying to feel normal and competent.
Part of me thinks. You have an excuse to bail - do it.
The other voice said this is who you are, going home now would just send you in a free fall.
I look at the clock and realise that hubby will be on the way home and that the crisis is nothing he can't cope with.

I call him and inform him of what needs done and decide to go back into the conference.

There is nothing here that is out there for me infact part of me wants to pipe up that this is what my ministry about and what I do on a daily basis - but it obviously seems different to some in the room.

Churches are so caught up with their coporate identity and policies and structures.... they forget that churches are organic organisation structures that are not the same as legalistic structures and its all too easy for structures to form that are man made worldly concepts .... and we forget at times that  God does not work that way.

Structures are necessary, policy and practice is necessary. Some need to be followed for legal reasons and some policies are man made neatness. People still matter though and sadly that is forgotten at times.

I am aware that some in the room are worried about change and God forbid a messy church.

I am sitting in my church wondering if they knew that a messy structure got me to become a christian.... and I equally wonder if that risk would be taken now.

I joined a YWAM mission team on the streets of my city as an observer and that was a direct action that made me make a commitment that night.

These days it would be a bit harder with things like PVG but as a PVG co-ordinator I know it would not be impossible with the right policy and risk assessments.

I can see some panic, out of the comfort zone a little...

The missionary beside me smiles and says " This is not new to you this is what you do all the time."

I smile and say yes it is my kinda stuff exactly..

I could teach this .... (Although I don't have a Mega church and 4 books to my name) There is nothing radical for me here... But I am enjoying it.

I look at the cross  " Oh God help me, I want to be here but I am aching inside"

I put my face on.

I manage the rest of the day but I know that  I can't function when I get home as it hits me....

Today it hit me harder. What did you do that for? It feels like I have been a punch bag and I gasp for air.

I realise I have a long road ahead. An intellectual, competent person and be frozen fast disabled quite quickly.

Grief sucks.

Personality types

I am glad God created different personality types. Although I have done my stint in retail jobs, I was never one that was driven to hit the corporate targets for sales. Some people thrive on that though, but not me. Being a relational person I always liked giving good customer service in such jobs (infact I would love to be a secret shopper. I like to to avoid self service tills and like to see how staff act if I ask a question..)

I am relational, I can't help it. I also know when it comes to planning stuff, I can hack people off. I have just come back from a prayer meeting, I planned. Some people like to know the specifics of what we will pray, what topics etc before they decide whether or not they will come... I tend to have themes but I don't tend to publish them in advance, if you turn up its because you want to pray.

The truth is I don't always know what the theme is too much in advance.... and to be honest if the prayers go off in another way its ok. God has obviously laid it on someone's heart so its ok.

It was the same when I led a Bible study at church. If we got there and people chatted and something pressing was stressing someone it is ok to only get half the study done or even none of it....Some people would really get hacked off over that I mean, why would you not answer all the questions?

But why would the group not gather round someone who is mourning or look after a child of a sleep deprived mum before you checked the I am a good Christian because I had my spiritual chat, coffee and cake.

I have not been to a Bible study group for over a year. I am not going to fall off my perch, its not that I don't want to. I just have not managed to find one that I feel comfortable and fits with my time. The last one I went to I stopped because my daughter started a new club and she wanted mum. I use that time to have quality chats in the car or read (during her time in the club) or catch up on work, prep for a meeting even.

It is my season, I have had to find new innovative ways to be fed. I don't want my children to grow up thinking mum was to busy doing ministry to be there for me. My kids expect me to be there, I am their mum.

The same goes for me as a daughter.  I gave up one bible study because I wanted to make time for mum. Even if we only watched Judge Rinder together....or a back episode of Morse or For the love of Dogs.  Making time for her cut into her day, she saw someone that day.

She was socially isolated in the last 2 years of her life.... she never got over losing dad. Being in the house was a default position.

It is a growing problem social isolation. I would go as far as to say there a probably people who have different forms of it.

Being a relational person I can spot the people who ask how I am and then not really listen or care about the answer.

I have friends but I am quite deep and introverted, I know you can't guess that from the fact I am writing this heart stuff on a blog that potentially could have the world seeing it.

But those who know me well sometimes get nuggets of information that I rarely share...

Life has not been a bed of roses.... Although I will always be a ROSIE ;)


I tried to plan for the prayer meeting on Thursday and if I am honest I put on praise music and and thought.... ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH GOD? Do you really want me to lead a prayer meeting when I can barely mentally function?
Praise music did not lift my mood, the walk with dogs I just groused at God and said give me a BREAK!

Friday however, it came in to play. Worship songs, I sang songs I love that I struggle to sing since dad died. I had hours of productive work and had a real flow.

One of the topics to pray about... Mental Health....I thought God  is this just me and where I am at?

Tonight I shared that at the meeting and everyone there said yup that is what to focus on this month and some share why.

I could not have told you that last week though.... And to tell you the truth I had a rubbish day emotionally being happy about finding stuff in my parents house that I am helping to clear... some happy memories then feeling physically sick I have to to clear my home.

Then going to a prayer meeting and feeling that I fumbled through it but at the same time knowing I am hitting the mark.

I know churches does not always like my style. I am not a confident theologian or a perfect mum or the sorted christian.... I shoot from the hip and not everyone likes that.

When it comes to missionaries, I identify with Jonah. God do I really have to do that? Can I not have a regular salary so I can afford to move? I can have grumbly conversations saying It's not fair.....I am not the mission worker that will only give you the good bits.....Yes I relate to Jonah... I just have not been swallowed by a whale yet.