Caught in between

Yesterday was a significant day. It would have been Mum's 83rd Birthday. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a conference on at my church that day. It looked like my kind of deal. Organisational dynamics, reaching out in today's post modern world.

I quite fancied it but I knew it was mum's birthday. I booked it even although we have had a tight month, probably yearning for feeling a normal and competent professional. Knowing that it would be an aim to get there and knowing I might just opt out and have coffee and cake.

Then my son came home and said he was doing the address to the lassies at their burns supper afternoon. The value of being a mum who is there rose within me but thankfully as I have a hubby who is magnificent, he said "still go to the conference, I will take time off"

As the day drew nearer I was wondering if I had made the right call.

It would mean up early to walk the dog early....but I slept in.

Okay I can still do this... it was tight and I missed the first 5 mins but I got there.

I really want be here, this is my bread and butter the stuff that I love but everything within me is screaming.

I chose to sit at the back as I have the coffee and cake option in my head if I can't cope with the day... I quickly realise I am sitting next to the speakers wife... Oh dear.

One of the pastors now approaches and now tries to get me to join the body of the Kirk.... No thank you. I just want to be here.

I am struggling today and I really don't want to try and socialise with pastors and leaders I don't know.... Luckily for me there are a few friendly faces of Pastors I know both from years back and now.

I still feel out of place.

A second attempt at trying to get me to join a table at the front.... I politely say I am fine and move to chat with someone I know.

Coffee and cake might still be an option, I don't know if I can do this today...

My phone buzzes, its the school, oh I should leave and try and sort this.

I get down stairs I realise that my other child has attempted to contact too.

"What" I am trying to feel normal and competent.
Part of me thinks. You have an excuse to bail - do it.
The other voice said this is who you are, going home now would just send you in a free fall.
I look at the clock and realise that hubby will be on the way home and that the crisis is nothing he can't cope with.

I call him and inform him of what needs done and decide to go back into the conference.

There is nothing here that is out there for me infact part of me wants to pipe up that this is what my ministry about and what I do on a daily basis - but it obviously seems different to some in the room.

Churches are so caught up with their coporate identity and policies and structures.... they forget that churches are organic organisation structures that are not the same as legalistic structures and its all too easy for structures to form that are man made worldly concepts .... and we forget at times that  God does not work that way.

Structures are necessary, policy and practice is necessary. Some need to be followed for legal reasons and some policies are man made neatness. People still matter though and sadly that is forgotten at times.

I am aware that some in the room are worried about change and God forbid a messy church.

I am sitting in my church wondering if they knew that a messy structure got me to become a christian.... and I equally wonder if that risk would be taken now.

I joined a YWAM mission team on the streets of my city as an observer and that was a direct action that made me make a commitment that night.

These days it would be a bit harder with things like PVG but as a PVG co-ordinator I know it would not be impossible with the right policy and risk assessments.

I can see some panic, out of the comfort zone a little...

The missionary beside me smiles and says " This is not new to you this is what you do all the time."

I smile and say yes it is my kinda stuff exactly..

I could teach this .... (Although I don't have a Mega church and 4 books to my name) There is nothing radical for me here... But I am enjoying it.

I look at the cross  " Oh God help me, I want to be here but I am aching inside"

I put my face on.

I manage the rest of the day but I know that  I can't function when I get home as it hits me....

Today it hit me harder. What did you do that for? It feels like I have been a punch bag and I gasp for air.

I realise I have a long road ahead. An intellectual, competent person and be frozen fast disabled quite quickly.

Grief sucks.