A Year to Say Goodbye

As many of you know, my mum passed away in November. In so many senses this is the first stage of grief. What I have not said is that at the beginning of the year I felt a sense (because I am a Christian, I would say that it was Spirit led voice) that this would be a year to say goodbye to mum.


It gave me a sinking feeling... I wanted that sense to be wrong and I tried so hard to not think it.

The truth is though this is not the first time I have had that sense about someone. The night before dad took the stoke that left him locked in (after another a week before) I got a sense he was not going to make it.

When my terminally ill cousin died a few years ago I woke in the middle of the night and wrote a poem for her that started today my cousin passed away... I remember agonising over writing it..... and within the 24 hrs we got the news. I was honoured to have it read at her funeral.

Any way I digress.

I say these things not to spook you out, its reality though.

I think God knows how I tick and can cope better that way.

Getting back to mum though, I told my team at work what my feeling was at our first team meeting of the year. I told them it may just be me, however if mum needed me, mum was the priority... no question.

There have been several points in the year when I thought, this is it and when we were getting to October I was feeling I may be wrong.

One day in October though my fear once again emerged, when I found her in the house.... then the next few weeks were a blur.

My time has been consumed with family with little time for me. Your mind tries to remember things but at this point its numb.

As a mum, its not only your grief but the grief of others you have to deal with. Its exhausting. I know that as time passes some of the good memories will return.

I still was not ready for it but I know I listened to that voice and invested my time in mum.

Never take it for granted... the time with the family.

I am exhausted in a way I have never known before and I am used to handling a lot.

Even though I have a long road ahead of me, with more goodbyes ahead as well. I am glad I listened to that voice, laid a side lesser things to prioritise mum.

If I offended anyone for ignoring them or if you are waiting for me to start a new project - I am not sorry. I have plenty of years left in ministry - whatever way I do it. I knew my time with mum was limited.

Besides what kind of Christian would I be if I had said that I was too busy to care and love family because of ministry. Too many ministers get that wrong, they get caught up in self or others and the family is shoved to the side.

I was only just getting my head together after dad 2 years ago, so I know I have a long way ahead.

But I do not regret investing my time in mum this year.

The Art of Listening

As someone who is a qualified counsellor, I know about Active Listening. It is clear over the last few weeks I have had positive and negative examples of people who listen and people who don't.
Communication is such a key thing. You can hear something but totally not get it, go on your merry wee way oblivious or you can hear something and know that you need to dig deeper and follow up.

 Within in the last few days listening has been key in so many situations that I have found myself.

If a professional had dealt with one situation in such a way that they dealt with the task, they may not have realised that they were dealing with an iceberg.

It took extra investigation, to ask the right questions and get the right answers.

The other side of that is that some people may not ask the question in the first place.

The other part of listening is actually listening to self. This is sometimes the harder bit. From a medical perspective, I have learnt a long time ago how to recognise the signs when I am at a low ebb and when my disability is more at risk to become unstable. (Yes that is right that is right I have an unseen disability)

Although I have exacting triggers, there is no doubt that other things have a factor, Stress, tiredness as well as lights are such triggers.

Within the last few days it has hit me how exhausted I am.

As I have put on facebook, this time of year when there are lots of Christmas lights about that increase risk for me to be ill. The consequences of which would have have huge ramifications on my life and that of the family.

So it pays for me to learn to listen right?

Today has been a day of extremes. But in all kinds of ways I have had to listen.

Practice a Pause.

So much so that where earlier I was in a different place, now I can type having listened to myself with things I can plan and things to say.

That does not mean I have the solutions.

And writing, although at times may be cryptic to some of you reading, the act is helping. It always did, only now it is the internet and not just a private journal.

So in that way I still need to be cautious.

My attempt in this blog is not to sound so down, so my question would be are you as good a listener as you think you are?

Do you hear the words and comprehend the true meaning? Or are you one of these people who ask the question but not really wanting to know what the true answer is in case it requires you to change or take action?

So today I listened and asked questions of people to get to the true picture of where they are at.
I also listened to my own mind, body and spirit to know where I am at.

I know I will have to continue to do that in months ahead.

The question is does someone have your back on such matters and do you have someone else's.

And that my friends is the art of listening and the art of relationship.

Always a Rosie but not feeling that good.

Sunday and its church...

Better leave the dog at mum's as we will be going there after to see what we can sort through.
So I get the kids and the dog ready and drop the kids and hubby off at church, as hubby is playing at both morning services today again.

I take the dog up to mum's, he is ok being left there but its not the same as when mum was alive. He would jump on her bed and she would welcome him, I would sort some breakfast for mum, leave food and water for the dog  and leave them to snuggle in bed for a bit.

Today the dog follows me everywhere... even the bathroom.

I leave Andrew Marr Show on the TV for him, its normally Radio 4 he listens to but today I can't be bothered to find the right channel.

I biggish part of me wants to watch Andrew Marr Show and pick the family up later. Can I face church?

Come on trish pull yourself together... so I lock the door the dog following me... stay there boy...

I take the post to the neighbour. 5 out of 6 are for the upstairs neighbour.... just what is it with the postman that he reads ROSIE and then puts 5 letters with different names through the door. The 6th one is a Christmas card from someone that still has dad's  name on it..... and he has been gone 2 and a half years....but as with most christmas cards its first name only with no return address... so what can I do?

I get as far as the hill and the neighbour stops me, we chat for a while and talk about mum and the difficulties we are having returning hospital equipment... and oh the council has delivered two new sets of bins, so we now have 3 new sets.... guess I should phone the council too now.

I finally get in the car, emotionally drained before 9.45 head to church and I can't seem to shut the car down.For 2 or 3 minutes I try to figure it out before it closes down.

This is hubby's car and the key does not work right but we can't justify the expense of getting a new key... so I try to recall how to lock it safely, manage it and walk over to church.

Half way there I hear a voice, "You look tired"

I am, so I say it how it is " Well considering my mum died a few weeks ago, I am trying to clear a house, look after my kids, work, celebrate my daughters birthday and think about Christmas, I guess I am... and by the way I am not sleeping well"

"Oh sorry"

"Well at least I am here"

"Yes that is an achievement"

I hope that was not rude but I am tired...

And that was all before church,,,,

Happy Christmas carols...great.

I try to sit in but I am not up for singing... I just try to listen but even that is hard....

And that was part of the morning....done in...wishing I had stayed in bed

Everything in slow motion

Today was not a good day. One of those days where you wish you could hide under the duvet all day. It is not that simple as a mum. Life and responsibility kicks in. My son went to school himself and the motivation to take the dog out  took some time to muster.

Stunned and numb I sat.

A self employed person does not get sick pay so I had to get on and visit a dog.

I went shopping after and I mindlessly walked the store and got random bits... well at least I am out from the duvet

Home and the phone rings, its my sister. She has stumbled and waiting for an ambulance. Can I help? I don't have parents to help with childcare anymore, who to call?

I manage to sort something out and head to the hospital, a good distance away. All the way there I think how I followed my mum and sister in an ambulance 2 months ago.

Oh I want to hear her voice again.

I sit with my sister until she is seen then I take her home after discharge.

I am so tired.

 My role is the same as its always been.

Family matters.

Today has been like treading treacle.

Back to my roots.

I am sitting here wanting to write but not really sure where to start. This year has been a roller coaster of emotion. It's just over a month since my mum died and even in writing that I realise that up until now my more favoured terminology has been that she has passed away.

There is something gentle in saying passed away but the word died is just a bit more stark and finite.

Losing someone who has been so defining in your life is always hard but there is something about a parent and the last parent that is something different.

I have a large family, lots of aunts and uncles. (Although rather depleted now..) but losing a parent is something different.

I entitled this Back to my roots. Why I hear you say? Well I have written since I was a teenager. All that teenage angst and some got written either in a diary or as a poem.

How else do you think an introvert does things?

Some people I know will be thinking an introvert, really? Oh yes my friend, really. Well why write on a blog there is the potential for loads to see, the reality is I have few subscribers lol. However even if the numbers grow, would it matter? Not really, No.

I don't even know if I will hit publish yet, maybe this is just something to get me unstuck. Maybe this is a season of my life when I get back to writing. Who knows?


When my dad died, a few months later I started a business dog walking. Some thought I was mad but the reality is it was a wise therapeutic strategy to help walk me through my grief. Something I was still doing when I realised that this was there year of goodbyes again.

For those who believe I would say I felt at the beginning of the year (New Year actually) that this was to say goodbye to mum. As I am a person of faith I would say it was God's way of preparing me. Not that I really wanted to believe that to be true at the time and it does not make it easier, I would say that God knew it help me in some way to be ready for a tough year.

I had received a prophetic word too last October that I can see fits with the year I have had. I would say however as a disclaimer, always weigh such things up never blindly assume.

I am still in that first stage of grief, if you want to call it that. As a mum I am also doing my best to help my children through this, whilst somehow trying to grapple it myself. Every day is different. Numb, crushingly painful, exhausted, stuck and so much more.

People, christians and non christian alike can be fantastically brilliant at supporting you or completely and utterly clueless ( and that is being polite).
 There certainly has been times in the last few weeks that if certain people had come near me I would have to use all my self discipline not to deck them for their lack of thought or sensitivity.

Who knows what coming months will be busy and emotional yes but time will tell if a brown dog appears or a phoenix will rise from the ashes.

Let's face it sometimes life sucks, but we all have to journey with life. Sometimes your paths with cross with someone, sometimes you walk the same path and journey for a while and sometimes when  you hit a rock face you find someone is there to show you how to traverse it.

It is a times like this you find who your true friends are and who are superficial acquaintances... Often the people who thought would be your help are far from it. You will soon know your true friends though. 

So maybe I am back to my roots of writing and maybe this is part of answer to the crossing this chasm.