A Year to Say Goodbye

As many of you know, my mum passed away in November. In so many senses this is the first stage of grief. What I have not said is that at the beginning of the year I felt a sense (because I am a Christian, I would say that it was Spirit led voice) that this would be a year to say goodbye to mum.


It gave me a sinking feeling... I wanted that sense to be wrong and I tried so hard to not think it.

The truth is though this is not the first time I have had that sense about someone. The night before dad took the stoke that left him locked in (after another a week before) I got a sense he was not going to make it.

When my terminally ill cousin died a few years ago I woke in the middle of the night and wrote a poem for her that started today my cousin passed away... I remember agonising over writing it..... and within the 24 hrs we got the news. I was honoured to have it read at her funeral.

Any way I digress.

I say these things not to spook you out, its reality though.

I think God knows how I tick and can cope better that way.

Getting back to mum though, I told my team at work what my feeling was at our first team meeting of the year. I told them it may just be me, however if mum needed me, mum was the priority... no question.

There have been several points in the year when I thought, this is it and when we were getting to October I was feeling I may be wrong.

One day in October though my fear once again emerged, when I found her in the house.... then the next few weeks were a blur.

My time has been consumed with family with little time for me. Your mind tries to remember things but at this point its numb.

As a mum, its not only your grief but the grief of others you have to deal with. Its exhausting. I know that as time passes some of the good memories will return.

I still was not ready for it but I know I listened to that voice and invested my time in mum.

Never take it for granted... the time with the family.

I am exhausted in a way I have never known before and I am used to handling a lot.

Even though I have a long road ahead of me, with more goodbyes ahead as well. I am glad I listened to that voice, laid a side lesser things to prioritise mum.

If I offended anyone for ignoring them or if you are waiting for me to start a new project - I am not sorry. I have plenty of years left in ministry - whatever way I do it. I knew my time with mum was limited.

Besides what kind of Christian would I be if I had said that I was too busy to care and love family because of ministry. Too many ministers get that wrong, they get caught up in self or others and the family is shoved to the side.

I was only just getting my head together after dad 2 years ago, so I know I have a long way ahead.

But I do not regret investing my time in mum this year.