Caught in between

Yesterday was a significant day. It would have been Mum's 83rd Birthday. A couple of weeks ago I noticed a conference on at my church that day. It looked like my kind of deal. Organisational dynamics, reaching out in today's post modern world.

I quite fancied it but I knew it was mum's birthday. I booked it even although we have had a tight month, probably yearning for feeling a normal and competent professional. Knowing that it would be an aim to get there and knowing I might just opt out and have coffee and cake.

Then my son came home and said he was doing the address to the lassies at their burns supper afternoon. The value of being a mum who is there rose within me but thankfully as I have a hubby who is magnificent, he said "still go to the conference, I will take time off"

As the day drew nearer I was wondering if I had made the right call.

It would mean up early to walk the dog early....but I slept in.

Okay I can still do this... it was tight and I missed the first 5 mins but I got there.

I really want be here, this is my bread and butter the stuff that I love but everything within me is screaming.

I chose to sit at the back as I have the coffee and cake option in my head if I can't cope with the day... I quickly realise I am sitting next to the speakers wife... Oh dear.

One of the pastors now approaches and now tries to get me to join the body of the Kirk.... No thank you. I just want to be here.

I am struggling today and I really don't want to try and socialise with pastors and leaders I don't know.... Luckily for me there are a few friendly faces of Pastors I know both from years back and now.

I still feel out of place.

A second attempt at trying to get me to join a table at the front.... I politely say I am fine and move to chat with someone I know.

Coffee and cake might still be an option, I don't know if I can do this today...

My phone buzzes, its the school, oh I should leave and try and sort this.

I get down stairs I realise that my other child has attempted to contact too.

"What" I am trying to feel normal and competent.
Part of me thinks. You have an excuse to bail - do it.
The other voice said this is who you are, going home now would just send you in a free fall.
I look at the clock and realise that hubby will be on the way home and that the crisis is nothing he can't cope with.

I call him and inform him of what needs done and decide to go back into the conference.

There is nothing here that is out there for me infact part of me wants to pipe up that this is what my ministry about and what I do on a daily basis - but it obviously seems different to some in the room.

Churches are so caught up with their coporate identity and policies and structures.... they forget that churches are organic organisation structures that are not the same as legalistic structures and its all too easy for structures to form that are man made worldly concepts .... and we forget at times that  God does not work that way.

Structures are necessary, policy and practice is necessary. Some need to be followed for legal reasons and some policies are man made neatness. People still matter though and sadly that is forgotten at times.

I am aware that some in the room are worried about change and God forbid a messy church.

I am sitting in my church wondering if they knew that a messy structure got me to become a christian.... and I equally wonder if that risk would be taken now.

I joined a YWAM mission team on the streets of my city as an observer and that was a direct action that made me make a commitment that night.

These days it would be a bit harder with things like PVG but as a PVG co-ordinator I know it would not be impossible with the right policy and risk assessments.

I can see some panic, out of the comfort zone a little...

The missionary beside me smiles and says " This is not new to you this is what you do all the time."

I smile and say yes it is my kinda stuff exactly..

I could teach this .... (Although I don't have a Mega church and 4 books to my name) There is nothing radical for me here... But I am enjoying it.

I look at the cross  " Oh God help me, I want to be here but I am aching inside"

I put my face on.

I manage the rest of the day but I know that  I can't function when I get home as it hits me....

Today it hit me harder. What did you do that for? It feels like I have been a punch bag and I gasp for air.

I realise I have a long road ahead. An intellectual, competent person and be frozen fast disabled quite quickly.

Grief sucks.

Personality types

I am glad God created different personality types. Although I have done my stint in retail jobs, I was never one that was driven to hit the corporate targets for sales. Some people thrive on that though, but not me. Being a relational person I always liked giving good customer service in such jobs (infact I would love to be a secret shopper. I like to to avoid self service tills and like to see how staff act if I ask a question..)

I am relational, I can't help it. I also know when it comes to planning stuff, I can hack people off. I have just come back from a prayer meeting, I planned. Some people like to know the specifics of what we will pray, what topics etc before they decide whether or not they will come... I tend to have themes but I don't tend to publish them in advance, if you turn up its because you want to pray.

The truth is I don't always know what the theme is too much in advance.... and to be honest if the prayers go off in another way its ok. God has obviously laid it on someone's heart so its ok.

It was the same when I led a Bible study at church. If we got there and people chatted and something pressing was stressing someone it is ok to only get half the study done or even none of it....Some people would really get hacked off over that I mean, why would you not answer all the questions?

But why would the group not gather round someone who is mourning or look after a child of a sleep deprived mum before you checked the I am a good Christian because I had my spiritual chat, coffee and cake.

I have not been to a Bible study group for over a year. I am not going to fall off my perch, its not that I don't want to. I just have not managed to find one that I feel comfortable and fits with my time. The last one I went to I stopped because my daughter started a new club and she wanted mum. I use that time to have quality chats in the car or read (during her time in the club) or catch up on work, prep for a meeting even.

It is my season, I have had to find new innovative ways to be fed. I don't want my children to grow up thinking mum was to busy doing ministry to be there for me. My kids expect me to be there, I am their mum.

The same goes for me as a daughter.  I gave up one bible study because I wanted to make time for mum. Even if we only watched Judge Rinder together....or a back episode of Morse or For the love of Dogs.  Making time for her cut into her day, she saw someone that day.

She was socially isolated in the last 2 years of her life.... she never got over losing dad. Being in the house was a default position.

It is a growing problem social isolation. I would go as far as to say there a probably people who have different forms of it.

Being a relational person I can spot the people who ask how I am and then not really listen or care about the answer.

I have friends but I am quite deep and introverted, I know you can't guess that from the fact I am writing this heart stuff on a blog that potentially could have the world seeing it.

But those who know me well sometimes get nuggets of information that I rarely share...

Life has not been a bed of roses.... Although I will always be a ROSIE ;)


I tried to plan for the prayer meeting on Thursday and if I am honest I put on praise music and and thought.... ARE YOU HAVING A LAUGH GOD? Do you really want me to lead a prayer meeting when I can barely mentally function?
Praise music did not lift my mood, the walk with dogs I just groused at God and said give me a BREAK!

Friday however, it came in to play. Worship songs, I sang songs I love that I struggle to sing since dad died. I had hours of productive work and had a real flow.

One of the topics to pray about... Mental Health....I thought God  is this just me and where I am at?

Tonight I shared that at the meeting and everyone there said yup that is what to focus on this month and some share why.

I could not have told you that last week though.... And to tell you the truth I had a rubbish day emotionally being happy about finding stuff in my parents house that I am helping to clear... some happy memories then feeling physically sick I have to to clear my home.

Then going to a prayer meeting and feeling that I fumbled through it but at the same time knowing I am hitting the mark.

I know churches does not always like my style. I am not a confident theologian or a perfect mum or the sorted christian.... I shoot from the hip and not everyone likes that.

When it comes to missionaries, I identify with Jonah. God do I really have to do that? Can I not have a regular salary so I can afford to move? I can have grumbly conversations saying It's not fair.....I am not the mission worker that will only give you the good bits.....Yes I relate to Jonah... I just have not been swallowed by a whale yet.