What is your heart beat?

In case you have not noticed.... If I am a diamond.... I am an uncut one.

I call a spade a spade and I wish at times I could intellectually argue theology and be a great orator but the truth is the older I get the more I don't know.

When I was young I wore a prolife pin badge of baby feet on my school blazer. Now although I am still pro- life, I also see that the world is not black and white like that.

Some of my friends might be aghast at that statement but the reality is, I would not condemn someone for what is a very hard decision for anyone to make.

There has been a surge of historical complaints made in this "Me too" era. For every brave woman that has come forward (or man for that matter) dozens remain silenced.

Again some people may shout and say that you must come forward and ethically how can you not..... but the reality its not that simple.

Non disclosures, fear and the shear Pandora's box of past life haunt people daily.

Power, control, survival and safe mode.

I recently went to an event where I felt in shock because of kindness.

You see when you feel that you have been in a dark place and under threat, feeling voiceless, bullied and in a place where you would think such things should not exist ..... to feel respected, valued and heard... is a bit of shock to the system.

Sounds crazy doesn't it?

I know some people may look at me and think there is a educated woman who is not afraid to speak out (infact some people would rather I kept my mouth shut)

She is gutsy and no fear  - Wrong

I am gutsy and sometimes bite back purely because I have been silenced, trampled on taken to the edge but survived.

You see not every life battle is in public view.

My husband and I have at times said that our anthem should be tubthumping by chumbawumba

I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down
I get knocked down, but I get up again
You are never gonna keep me down

Life can throw us all kinds of obstacles.

I believe that we were created by a Creator and so we have a spiritual core being. When we draw from that spiritual well we gain the strength to get up again.

Obedience.

The dictionary definition to obedience is

"Compliance with an order, request or law or submission to another's authority."


That is a strange concept these days. The idea that someone gives a direction and you submit to that rather than dialogue.

Obedience is not the only thing God requires. God requires a teachable spirit. A discerning Spirit.

Does that mean we need to be finely polished and glossy people.

No, it's ok to be messed up.... a work in progress.

I started this by saying that my the way I respond now to things may be different to the way I would have done when I was younger.

Some of my friends may accuse me of diluting what I believe... I don't believe that is the case.

We do need to be discerning though, otherwise it just becomes a man made construct or a judgemental attitude.

It is not what we are doing and how we look, it is about what He is doing and how He transforms.

Passion and Purpose - Understanding Inner Purpose

Do you ever get that feeling where you look at life and say What? Then there are other days where you just know you just smile and know this is alright.

Life can be in utter chaos with people having a real go at you but you still know that you are in the palm of God's hand.

You can yearn after things of course and you could wish for more stability but sometimes there is gold in instability.

Facebook reminders can be weird. The other day I scrolled through memories of that day and saw the statement Passion and Purpose.

To someone re reading that memory that statement could mean anything. 

I however know that statement referred to a time when a local pastor invited me to speak at an event. I never got many of these opportunities, not even in my own church, so I made sure I said yes.

I spoke about knowing your call and about finding that part of your inner being that when you connect with God you passion envelopes you. 

Its those visions and dreams that make the hairs on the back of your neck rise and you just want to shout that is who God made me be and I don't care what others think.

So what do I mean when I think of my passion and call.

I love engaging with people.

I love to get my hands dirty, talk about the nuts and bolts of life and making people know that they matter.

That is why I love my profession. I love getting together with people talking about where they want to be, dismissing the lies that they have learnt and the baggage that they collect.

Sometimes connecting with people is a few hours in between train journeys never to be seen of again. Sometimes its putting on a one day event or a large scale project.

What I love is just being part of the journey from a to b.

For some doing what I do would be terribly frustrating. Some people need to see the result and need to ego boosting gratification of success.

I get the same boost from seeing someone begin to gain confidence and believe in themselves.

What about failure?

One of the proudest things I have done ended in failure. It breaks my heart we failed in the end but I am still proud of what we achieved along the way. Of course some glass empty folk see the failure but if you are a glass full person you see empowerment, national awards and an incredible case of people from all backgrounds fighting against the odds to try and do something for the greater good.

My passion is to see change and transformation...

To add Godly principles, to see the people grow, shine and blossom.

Some people might say that intentionally investing in people without getting them come to Christ is pointless and fruitless....

It's not.

Who do you think you are that you think you can hijack God's plan just to satisfy your ego?

Don't get me wrong I do want to see people come to Christ and realise who they have been created to be  in all their fullness.

I also recognise that pushing someone too hard too fast can actually turn them further from finding that fullness.

I  realise that helping people consider options objectively, helping them mull things over whilst remaining in charge of their decisions is just glorious.

Being a cog in the wheel, being able to journey with people as they do this thing called life can just be so uplifting.

Sometimes a wee facebook reminder can cause you to pause, reflect and realign you to what your passion is ....

In that process I have been able to knock off some of the negativity that has been indirectly been attaching itself to me and celebrate my journey with God.

Lifting the Lid - Part 2

People are different.

10 people could listen to a sermon or a public speaker and you could easily have 10 if not more opinions by the end of it.

A facebook friend could quote the Bible at me on their thoughts on evangelism and I could quote something back that backs my style of evangelism.

Yesterday we took the kids to Glasgow and a street preacher was giving it his best. I don't really like street preaching. The kids were somewhat bemused by this man shouting at people with his Bible in hand.  Standing on step ladders with a sign round them he preached it big time.

After about 10 or 15 minutes he came to a close, changed his tone from yelling and spoke normally and proceeded to invite people to church where he assured them of a warm welcome.

As a Christian, I was rather surprised. Why would anyone want to attend after a rant like that?

I sometimes have "debates" with fellow Christians about their attitude that seems rather aggressive preaching to me and they seem to think of me as a liberal.

I equally know Pastors that seem so focussed on numbers and commitments that they seem to have disengaged their brain at times.

The Bible does not promise us a nice life. In fact the last few years have been quite crap. It is true to say that if I did not have God, I would have been in a worse position but my personal circumstance was made worse by ill thinking Christians. I knew that their actions were not in line with the God I know, so how then to you line that up?

How could I invite a friend to church when my recent experience was awful.

I hasten to add the situation was made by a handful of people, but it was enough for me to be aware that my health was being affected.

Non - christian friends were stunned. (I did not lie to them.)

I can empathise with Job.

I have been in an almighty wrestle and the blackness have enshrouded me for the greater part of recent years.

Does that mean I have got it wrong?

No.

Does that mean that God has failed?

No.

People are people and it would not be the first time man's thinking on what they think is theologically sound strategy falls flat on their face abus as they have jumped to the wrong conclusions, jumped ahead to get to the result rather than just do what they have been asked to do.

The sad thing is these rash decisions have severe consequences. People get hurt. People withdraw from what they have been called to do. Sometimes whole ministries are shut down.

People that have a strong faith are crushed, some even walk away. Broken.

Potentially eternal life changing consequences because of human actions.

In recent years the "Me too" and historical abuse stories have been on the rise.

Abuse can take many forms. Spiritual abuse and psychological abuse are still evident but are rarely addressed. Manipulation of people and the hope of applying guilt is not uncommon. Manipulation of someone to assert your power or indeed to cover your own incompetence is another ploy.

You can bet your last pound that for every person brave to raise their voice their are dozens that have been silenced.

I've heard people be incredulous about those that remain silent, but the reality is that it can be a matter of self preservation. The mental torment and stress has been bad enough that they just need to survive.

It all seems rather bleak, doesn't it?

So how do we see the rainbow?

The promises of God last forever.

The steadfast love of God is a constant amid the storms of life. No one can rob you of the promises that God has given you, what's more is that their actions do not go un- noticed. God sees the lies, the deceit and the cover ups. He remembers those who fail to keep their promises. Those that abuse their position. He sees the people who have crushed and been crushed.

Those that have been crushed he holds gently and helps the wounds heal. The scars may remain but they are a gentle reminder of how strong you are.

He puts you through the refiners fire and gives a shimmer of Gold in the healing.

What looks like weakness is actually a stronger bond.

A bit like the Japanese art of Kintsugi mending pottery with Gold, only not all the gold can be seen on the outside.... sometimes the work has been done on the inside.

You see not every intimate detail of my transformation is for everyone in the church to know.

Some people might proclaim their transformation for all to hear but some of us share as a need to know or spirit led basis.

I know what I have come through and how God has been there through the darkness. That is when you see the rainbows. By remembering who God has made you to be.

Sometimes that means forgetting the restrictive mindsets that you have been taught. Stop trying to conform to what someone else thinks you should be (especially if these people swing in and swing out of your life at their choosing and could not give a toss about you unless they need you or unless you do what they want)

Know you strengths, acknowledge you weaknesses and be real with who you really are.

Lifting the Lid - Part 1

Sometimes I wake up and I know I need to write. It's a strange thing, as I know I am not one that has a huge following - so who would listen. I know that if I am lucky I handful of people may read this. So what is the point? Why should I waste my time doing this? In my Spirit I know I need to write and get this out.

I first started to write in the form of poetry. I did not mean it to be poetry, it just came out that way. I know have a bookshelf full of anthologies, each one has my poems in them ... and still few people know that.

Poetry in my teens was a way of release.

In a way that is what writing does for me.

This morning when I woke up and knew I needed to write, I lay in bed for a bit trying to formulate my thoughts as to what I should write, how I should start and what approach I should take.

A few thoughts came and if I am honest, my thoughts were like disconnected junk caught up in a tornado.

I began to get frustrated with myself, thinking who do you think you are? What authority do you think you have?

After more inward wrestling, I realised that is the very point.

I don't know if its middle age or not but I have got to the point in my life where I don't care what others think at times.

I realise I have spent too much time, wasting time, doing what others think I should do, in the way they think I should do it.

Let me give you an example or two. Since my late teens I knew I was to be in Youth and Community work. I also knew I wanted to my faith to be part of that. I sought advice and my pastor at the time had the opinion that if I was to follow that course, I should "do it properly" and go to Bible College. I tried that several times over a period of years and got rejected. (But let's face it, I am not the first christian / missionary to be rejected by the formal institutions of my day)

Funnily enough it was a non- christian lecturer nearly a decade later that saw my potential. Having not found my path and being restless and persistent, I had enrolled in a college course about working in communities. My lecturer took me aside one day and said you could do more that this course, I think you should apply to Uni and I will write you a reference.

In some senses that is a large part of my story. Christians that put barriers up and say that you can't do it that way. In some ways I am glad I don't have theological training. Arguably I think I would have to un- learn the boxes that theology has created.

I believe in a God that surpasses our understanding. Yet there is something in humankind that wants to understand and even contain God in nice acceptable ways.

A friend of mine that used to come to my church visited and commented that it had not changed. At first I wanted to defend my church but the truth is I could see why he said it. God in nice British soundbites.... God help us if we let the Spirit challenge and reek havoc.

My kids are embarrassed by mum in church. In recent years I just don't care. I will bang pews in a beat, march when I feel the spirit move and I have even been known to say "Come on church, wake up". I come from a church that has grown to be a busy one... it does a lot but at times I do ask myself if it does things to be popular or because it can or because it has a real hunger for God.

It is big and affluent.

It has to be said that in the churches in Revelation there are churches that get quite harsh words because they think they are doing well. Revelation sees them as rather luke warm. It is actually a really big challenge.

There are infact lots of examples in the Bible where God challenges those who are rich wealthy and have it sussed (or think they have.)

I have had that kind of talk all through my ministry..... People who say you can't do that  or you can't count that as work (I hasten to add these people had no authority to speak in this way.)

You see God does not say "Tricia, if someone asks you an important faith question on your day off tell them to ask you again tomorrow"

If you were to look at the Moravians, selling yourself into slavery to preach the Gospel is pretty extreme.

So who the hell are you to say that I can't do mission outwith your defined box?

Maybe I am not the one lagging behind in the race.... Maybe I have lapped you.

My husband was at a worship meeting a few weeks ago where a younger chap was trying to introduce an app to help with the organisation. My husband came home was on board and telling me about the meeting, when I said "Oh you mean they want to introduce something like what you developed and offered them free 10 years ago and they never took you up on it...... Well yes, he said, although the technology now is so different it a lot more advance.... but essentially yes.

Too forward thinking that they were just not ready or willing to hear....

I used to belong to an organisation that thought it was pioneering. In some ways it was but in other ways it was still confined by its worldview. Although it spoke about 7 spheres of society, it did not really venture into them that much and when you did it was in their terms only. Most people had to leave the organisation to be in the other spheres..... why not both?

I spoke to former students who struggled with calling as they felt no place in the organisation.... why? Well due the the barriers it has built.

Barriers are good for boundaries but they can also hold you back from reaching your true potential in Christ.

I am no one special but I am called to be who God called me to be.

I have overcome so much in my life that a Jeremy Kyle Show research assistant be filled with glee to meet me.  After that I could whistleblow and the content would continue....

It is however that adversity that gives me power and authority to speak into others life. Its not because I intellectually understand these "poor" people, its because I have lived it.

I have called this Lifting the Lid Part 1... I did this as I thought this was the first of a few honest, frank pieces.... I wonder what part 2 holds... tune in to find out!

The Fixer and the Introvert

 

It has once again been a while since I have written. Last night as I was scrolling through facebook I noted a post from a friend.

It was a shared post which told the story of the Naked Truth legend. Basically the story can be paraphrased like this.

There is a conversation between Truth and Lie about the beautiful water before them and Lie persuades truth to join him in the water. Whilst suspicious Truth is persuaded. Lie then jumps out the water and puts on the garments of truth and runs around the world creating havoc in the name of truth.

Meanwhile the Naked truth is exposed and not recognised as Truth is scoffed at and berated.

The Naked Truth.


There is a lot to mull over in that. So often we see a small glimpse of a picture and make a false assumption of someone based on what we think we know of them. It is so easy to get that wrong, as so often we do not know who has bullied who or just how far someone has been pushed to get to the point where they react in the way that they are now.

It got me thinking. I wanted to write something.

At first I thought of personality types, then I paused and wrote this. I hope you like it.

The Fixer and the Introvert

The fixer does not like mess,

He likes order.

He does not wait, take time to assess

And only wants the outcomes that he wants.

Without meaning to the fixer demolishes everything in his wake. 

Like a bulldozer, he tramples over everything.

Appearing arrogant and intolerant. 

Seemingly oblivious to the crushing blows he has thrown.

The unbridled passion to resume proper order as he perceives it,

Creates havoc.

The unintended crushing of spirits, germinates and begins to run like lava.

Controlling and suppressing tendencies manifest like a mould that spreads

deadly invisible spores.

The fixer becomes the one who needs fixed but is still oblivious to his need.

The Introvert plays the long game.

A strategic thinker that observes and analyses the situation before her.

 

Observation and wisdom like a chess game she anticipates the moves.

Never forgetting to make a note.

The extensive journey of life long overcoming means that she will not tolerate

bullies.

Most bullies make mistakes... Their confidence and arrogance are often part of

their downfall.

Push someone hard enough and they will bite back.

Therein lies a problem, as others see the reaction

and make the wrong assumption.

She know her scars. The amount of mental will

power that it has taken to carry on.

The Pandora's box that is inside that few get to see.

Firmly grounded and self aware she knows when to be real with the stuff that

would make some friends shrink back.

She shoots from the hip and is not afraid to call out injustice.

She has built a career on it.

That is why when the Fixer came along like a bulldozer she had to refuse to be

trampled on.

Hit after hit, mentally at breaking point she knew truth had to prevail.

As the mud was hurled and lies unfurled, the steadfast love helped her to prevail.

Shattered dreams and broken promises abound but her integrity stands.

 By Patricia Ann Ward

Passion and Purpose continues

It's been a funny old year.....
At the tail end of last year (2017) I got a prophetic word from reliable friends that this year would be a year of change.... but not in the way I thought.

It was nearly a year after mum's death and I was beginning to feel more positive.

Then came this word...

You will need to go through a process, your instinct will be to walk away BUT don't, go through the process but there will be a time of endings.

Boy was that true. I can honestly say that is a good summary of my year.

Horrendous is an

understatement.

24 hrs before this word I was told I had to go through a process, I had no real choice in. (I had not said that to those who gave me the word)

If it had not been for this word, I would have told people to get lost.

In the months that followed I thought about it many times.

It very nearly broke me.

What is perhaps worse people I trusted stuck the knife in.

I got a good old kicking.

BUT

I am a weeble....

and tempted as I was to punch a few people's lights out, I managed to centre on the Word and push through.

I don't always share what I have been through in my life but I know what I have overcome.

Some people probably don't see me in the right way at times.... I am not theologically trained, I call a spade a spade and well frankly

I am just a wee assertive woman at times who shoots from the hip

and well that can get people's hackles up.

That was not the only prophetic word I got this year though.

A Pig Farmer came up to me and shared a word about Dog walking and ministry.

He said something like this.

A dog walker picks up the dog Poo. But its not even their dogs dirt.... It's other people's dirt. Somewhat silently you follow behind picking up the mess others have created and left behind.

He then said

That is what you do in ministry. You go to the people no one else goes to. You roll up your sleeves and muck in. You don't pretend to have it sorted or pretend to be better.

That is what makes you have authority.

Now that sounds good doesn't it?

Well it does except my ministry as I knew it has been ripped to shreds.

Have you ever been in a place where you feel in the centre of His Will but at the same time a bit lost?

The stress and exhaustion of what I have been put through has knocked the stuffing out of me....slowly trying to rebuild my life.

I am acutely aware that this is not exactly a great advert to come to church.

A missionary being honest about hard stuff.

But you see people are people.... they make mistakes..... even christians mess up. (You just have to have a look at church history and you will find a multitude of bad choices)

In fact the mistakes of the church is often the reason people won't darken the door.

But God comes through.

You see it is my deep rooted passion for God that keeps me getting out of bed. It does not mean I don't have times that I think I could just walk away on life today...

God has been with me in every dark place I have been in. He never promised me an easy life....

You know its easy to be a missionary when you have exciting outreaches and miracles and people paying for your car..... but when you have had a ministry has been Tough and lots of people have put you down....  it takes real strength to know WHO you are and Be who you are called to Be.

I would even say that if all you are teaching is the WOW factor... you won't get people to last the race.

I can say that as I have had experience of spending a few hours with people with my honest shoot from the hip style.... it is me they skype if they need an ear.... they know that I make time for people. One person is important.

God does not promise people an easy ministry - it can be hard, very hard.

Some even have hard more constantly than fab and wow... and the thing is we seem to have contorted things and said that if you don't see the prosperity then it is YOU that is wrong.

Can I tell you that is a lie.

In my time as a  missionary I have had very poor financial support and many would have given up a long time ago. There have been people in that time that have challenged my call over that.

You know what God has always been faithful, He should be how to be creative and provided solutions.

Only sometimes people did not like the solution. They said oh you can't do it that way that is not right.... why not? If the people of God have not responded and if God shows you how to bridge the Gap why not?

You see we all too often want to keep God in a box.

We all too often want to have a nice life and not be sacrificial.

Give up your foreign holiday....downsize your car.....give your kid second hand goods for their Christmas.... give up having a salary........

And still people criticize...

Of course God may not ask you to do that... but are you willing to do it if it means you can be part of something bigger.

How much is to much? What would you be prepared to do for God?

Love until it hurts...

Passion with a purpose.

Happy New year folks

May you love have a year where you grow stronger, know who God created you to be and learn to be confident in being who you are.