Back to my roots.

I am sitting here wanting to write but not really sure where to start. This year has been a roller coaster of emotion. It's just over a month since my mum died and even in writing that I realise that up until now my more favoured terminology has been that she has passed away.

There is something gentle in saying passed away but the word died is just a bit more stark and finite.

Losing someone who has been so defining in your life is always hard but there is something about a parent and the last parent that is something different.

I have a large family, lots of aunts and uncles. (Although rather depleted now..) but losing a parent is something different.

I entitled this Back to my roots. Why I hear you say? Well I have written since I was a teenager. All that teenage angst and some got written either in a diary or as a poem.

How else do you think an introvert does things?

Some people I know will be thinking an introvert, really? Oh yes my friend, really. Well why write on a blog there is the potential for loads to see, the reality is I have few subscribers lol. However even if the numbers grow, would it matter? Not really, No.

I don't even know if I will hit publish yet, maybe this is just something to get me unstuck. Maybe this is a season of my life when I get back to writing. Who knows?


When my dad died, a few months later I started a business dog walking. Some thought I was mad but the reality is it was a wise therapeutic strategy to help walk me through my grief. Something I was still doing when I realised that this was there year of goodbyes again.

For those who believe I would say I felt at the beginning of the year (New Year actually) that this was to say goodbye to mum. As I am a person of faith I would say it was God's way of preparing me. Not that I really wanted to believe that to be true at the time and it does not make it easier, I would say that God knew it help me in some way to be ready for a tough year.

I had received a prophetic word too last October that I can see fits with the year I have had. I would say however as a disclaimer, always weigh such things up never blindly assume.

I am still in that first stage of grief, if you want to call it that. As a mum I am also doing my best to help my children through this, whilst somehow trying to grapple it myself. Every day is different. Numb, crushingly painful, exhausted, stuck and so much more.

People, christians and non christian alike can be fantastically brilliant at supporting you or completely and utterly clueless ( and that is being polite).
 There certainly has been times in the last few weeks that if certain people had come near me I would have to use all my self discipline not to deck them for their lack of thought or sensitivity.

Who knows what coming months will be busy and emotional yes but time will tell if a brown dog appears or a phoenix will rise from the ashes.

Let's face it sometimes life sucks, but we all have to journey with life. Sometimes your paths with cross with someone, sometimes you walk the same path and journey for a while and sometimes when  you hit a rock face you find someone is there to show you how to traverse it.

It is a times like this you find who your true friends are and who are superficial acquaintances... Often the people who thought would be your help are far from it. You will soon know your true friends though. 

So maybe I am back to my roots of writing and maybe this is part of answer to the crossing this chasm.