Living It

In recent months  there has been a lot of news coverage with regard the rising number of people that seem to be seeking a disability diagnosis and very often the news coverage infers that people seeking this are " At it", "Lazy" "Fake" or "Scroungers". I have been epileptic since the age of 8 that I have known about. I say that as when I recently asked for some medical records, my record says much earlier. When I got diagnosed, I was "banned" from cycling and swimming. I can get the cycling ban but I don't get swimming. The logic behind swimming was that I might drown if I took a seizure in water. However, if can't to swim - your risk of drowning if you get into trouble in the water - is well higher than someone who knows how to swim.  I was also not allowed to do cycle proficiency in the safety of a playground, to learn safety. So I never got that logic - but that is how disability was viewed back then. The mindset back then wa...

 Hello to 2026. A new year with new opportunities - we can leave the last one behind. Take a moment though to think what parts of the year that has past do you want to to hold onto in a positive way? Who are the people you want to nurture? I have spent hours in those years being with people. Who are the people that matter? Who brings warmth to your heart when you think of them? Where were the smiles? Where were the tender moments? If there were raw moments, do they need tended to? In this coming year I will have been a Christian for 40 years.... Where has the time gone? If I said that becoming a Christian made my life joy and delight - I would be lying through my teeth. Last year was a dark one for me. I have been raw and impassioned. I have been someone that most would say " if that is a Christian....!" I can even hear the words "call yourself a Christian!" a phrase often expelled from my mother's voice  in an argument. I have spent most if not all of these nea...

Where it Started -  Living It Everyone has their own experiences, develops their own worldview and values. Some things we learn from others thinking and some we develop as we read, learn, experience and live in this world God created. This is a blog about what I have learned and how I am practically living out my faith in my community. The banner of my blog is an attempt to say where my foundation and ethos and values lie. I am a Christian. I think I started this blog over 17 years ago now (I haven't checked). This blog is about the different parts of me, my learning and development and even how my beliefs and values may have changed as life has happened. The joys, the challenges, the disappointments and the victories. If that is the purpose of this blog - it would be a really sad state of affairs if years later, nothing had changed. It would be really sad if I was stubbornly stomping my feet and digging in refusing to consider new scientific research, acknowledging mistakes and re...

 Today is one of those stake in the ground days of any Parents' life. An early rise to take your child to the station for them to spread their wings. Everyone in the car have their own unspoken emotion. Everyone is holding everything in - trying not to upset the other. A melting pot of emotion. The day he arrived he caused a flurry. A quick labour, so much so that when I made a call to go to hospital the voice at the end of the phone said "can you wait, we are a bit busy right now - oh no it sounds like you can't." 2 hours 10 minutes. Then his first moments there was no cry. They took him out the room and those moments were seemed an age. Where has he gone? Why was there no cry? Then from outside a cry. The whole of my being showed the relief. He has made up for his silent entry into the world ever since! The whirlwind of my son. So back to today, So proud of the obstacles he has overcome in his life already. When my lip pursed hugging him farewell at the station, I c...

   In recent days I have been mulling over the notion of legacy. How do you want to be remembered? It is a very interesting subject to me. Some people approach the notion of their legacy in very practical, pragmatic terms. Should everyone get an equal share.... should some inherit more?  Or even this is for my ego as oppose to a selfless act. Or is it still more about how people remember you as a person rather than what you want to leave to the world? In other words do you want to elevate your own importance or simply be you? These questions are things you have to consider when you think about legacy. Charities are quick to say you can talk to us about leaving us something in your legacy... Others might decide I want to leave or create a legacy that people remember me by. Both of these situations are ME centred. Other people leave a legacy that are OTHERS centred. My dear father in law, now promoted to Glory, was a formidable man,. A strategic business man, with a huge he...

 Have you ever heard the expression "When life throws you lemons - make Lemonade." Well that kind of sums up my life right now. Without going into extreme detail in a blog. There are times when you hit a few bumps in the road or a few curve balls that you just never expected. Well that is kind of where I am at in more ways than one right now. The important thing to remember in these situations is that everyone can react differently.  You can attend a concert with a friend and your friend will interpret and experience the events in a different way, This is not to say that either experience is wrong. Each experience is validated when scrutinised by the self, In the last few days I have had a curve ball.  I am in the process of navigating this and at the time of writing I am not sure how things will unfold. There is one thing I am certain of, This is a bump in the road but roads get fixed. I have had many obstacles come across my pathway in my life. I find it extremely inter...

 Joy seems to have drained from me. This blog has always been about honestly living it. It has  been one which seems to have had one challenge after another. Slowly I am coming back. I have quite often looked at this page and I had no idea where to begin. Tonight things began to flow again. This has not happened for a long time. Sometimes you need someone to slightly force your hand to get you to shift and move. Asking for help has never really been my forte. Trusting someone with the deep stuff is hard.  As a sole trader, I tend to try to keep going. Until the wheels fall off. Deep survival mode. “ Do less” sounds easy. In fact it sounds blissful. The practicalities of that are not so easy.  After a hellish experience, it  was exciting to start a new course. As soon as I  stepped in the room and fear gripped me.  The spasms in my chest that made me hurt for weeks, I thought what on earth am I doing. The start of the course did not go as expected and q...

Some people are very quick to judge or give you their opinion of what they think what you should do or how you should act. It always surprises me who tries to do this. Sometimes you are blind sided by your friends or the people you have put your trust in. Sometimes you see true acts of kindness and compassion. It is sadly true that there are many wolves that present as sheep. There are many that are feeding their own ego, trying to  build empires and leave legacies. Then  there are pure souls.    People that would answer the phone at any point of a day, day or night. Or would walk any journey with you. Someone who does not seek fame, fortune, praise or their ego soothed.,  Some would call such people soft and yet others would call these people brave and courageous. As sometimes these journeying souls may find that the power grabbers and legacy builders, don't really care how they get there and would have no problem in destroying you to get their way. Whether you...

 Tub thumping - The dictionary would class tub thumping as " expressing opinions in a loud or aggressive manner." Do you ever wonder why someone might feel the need to express themselves loudly or aggressively. No one listened.  You were told it's not me it's you. You were Gaslighted. You were blamed. You were scapegoated. The news headlines in the the past few weeks has all been about the Post Office scandal. I write this on a day when the UK Government announces that people will be exonerated and compensated for the wrongful practice and the lies. It has taken years. People have died, people have been in prison and have lost there life savings. How much compensation does that kind of trauma to someone equate to? Does a figure of money ever even the balance? I have been watching rather belatedly some of the TV programmes, The funny thing is we trust certain organisations more than others. The post office is one organisation that people trust. You might not trust a ba...

 Throughout my life I have straddled working in Christian settings and non Christian ones. I recognise that I have standards and values and sometimes I make the mistake that others might adhere to the same standard. Maybe subconsciously one of my values is the Biblical one of treat others the way you would want to be treated and the harsh reality of life is that people don't do that. Organisations can be toxic and cut throat regardless of worldview they are set in. People in both settings will cut you dead for the sake of self preservation.  That may sound harsh but it is my honest experience. Last year was a stinker.  gs If someone wrongs you they may not be sorry.  If I make a mistake I try to own it and learn from it.  I hate bad relationship, I would rather hold my hands up than deny something happened or cause more harm by denial. Not everyone has that level of integrity. Let's face it not everyone has integrity. So it is a challenge when someone wrongs you...

This page is called honestly living it. If truth be told if I was completely honest on this page right now, many would think I am a fiction writer. This year has given us so many punches at times I have not had time to pick myself up after the last blow. The truth is this was a year that nearly broke me.   Time to gain some perspective. I survived it. So I have to be thankful.   Thankful to my husband of 25 years who has been at my side as I stood for integrity and justice. Although I did not get justice I deserved. I do have my integrity intact. I certainly found who my friends.  As a certain advert says "because I am worth it" I am worth fighting for. Even if you have to take body blows, I will stand tall. I used the word fight there. What image was it that came to mind? Someone attacking? Or someone defending? I have started helping at a women's trauma centre this year. Within a few months of listening on the telephone line, I have learnt so much. The silence...

 It;x been a funny old month. It started with my birthday and volunteering for a charity that I have a lot of time for. Hstar. I like their work and although I am new to the organisation I valley the people, Within the week we had driven miles for a family funeral. Saying goodbye is always hard and to be honest in the last 9 years there has been too many goodbyes.  We carried on south to our family holiday with family. So days at the beach and playing games round a table was both fun with the odd bit of tension. Days that you want to capture family moments, as those moments are things that you will cherish .... and you just never know when they will be gone. We then do a nearly 500 mile trek home to yet another funeral.  This time a friend, gone too soon. This time however it reminds me that time passes too quickly, and suddenly I can say that its nearly 27 years since my husband proposed to me and 29 since we started dating (The first time we dated) As Balamory says "Whe...

In the last few weeks I have probably wept more than I have in years. I think the only time in recent years when I have wept in such a way was when my parents passed away. Needless to say I normally find crying something very difficult. Some people seem to cry more easily. I don't know if somewhere in my lived experience I made an unconscious decision not to cry but somewhere along the line crying became a difficult thing. In the last few weeks though that has changed.  Someone I once trusted hurt me deeply recently. The physical, psychological and emotional pain made my whole being cry out. I was truly broken and left with a moral and ethical dilemma.  I have no idea how things will turn out. What I do know is that there are times in my past when I have stayed quiet. Speaking out is hard. Equally though we have all known whistle blowers suffer because they blew the whistle. When you are are person that values integrity and honesty, you sometimes forget that not everyone ...

 Sometimes you start writing by simply taking a breath and seeing how things develop. In technical terms that is probably a form of free writing. It takes a bit of courage to do that. I mean, you just start typing and then you begin to actually realise what is on your heart.  The next element to this is do you actually continue on. I mean it would be entirely plausible for you to just pretend that you had randomly constructed something and have this blog as a fake free writing page. I mean today has been a bit mad/ I have walked over 21000 steps. I have nursed a sore wound. I have looked for a dog that ran out of a garden and then ran in front of my car. I have reflected on life and considered the future. You can not control how someone sees you. People will believe what they want to believe. Equally some will squish you like a gnat if they think it will help them achieve their goal. Not everyone is honest and trustworthy.  So you wait and hope that justice will be served...

 Straighten your back, breathe and step outside. The first step in a new journey can often be a bit daunting. Even when you know you want to go on the journey. Some journeys have a specific destination, whilst others have a more flexible route. Some journeys have diversion, roadblocks and rock falls the obstruct the road. Even when you try to prepare and do safety checks, one unplanned external force can make the most confident person wobble. It takes courage to step out. The scars of previous journeys are unseen. Mostly covered... but still there. Strong boots protect the feet, a walking stick helps to check the terrain ahead for safety, a whistle to sound alarm and a knife because they can come in handy. It has taken time to get to this point. Questions like do I really want to do this?                                Is now the time? Is this something I will regret not doing if I don't try? It will be...

I like to know a name. I might not remember everyone's name but I like to try. For the purposes of this post though I won't name names. I will keep things broad brush. In my years in Street Pastors, pastoral care and youth work I like to remember names. Why? The people I meet matter to me. Their stories and life journey matter. Even as I sit here typing the names and face of some of these folks flash before me and I wonder how they are doing. Some I would just love to have deep conversation them and listen to the cries of their heart. If I care so much about these people that I get to engage with, why then is it so hard for me to care about me? You would think that would be easy huh? I matter too, There I said it. I matter. Some may say that is selfish but believe it or not it is not. In the words of a well known hair care product.....because you are worth it. Worth... To be sufficiently important to be treated or regarded in a specific way.  It's not the definition people ...

 She was the most remarkable woman, Although many did not think that much of her. She seemed ordinary but she was far from that. There were many things that were unseen. A deep thinker with a strategic mind, she was often underestimated. Everything is depending on perception and assumption. Do you assume the athlete at the back is last and not able to keep at the front? Or is she ahead of the game, a lap ahead? She had kept quiet for so long, she was not willing to let someone else pound her. She might have to receive the body blows but she doesn't have to remain silent and accept the battering. If you leave it long enough, they will get sloppy. Pick your moment. Keep your head high. Don't give up. An intake of breath to draw strength. Centre. A smile breaks out across her face. As she thinks of those who get her. Few words need to be said. Good friends pick up where they left off, no matter what time passes. Strong, Compassionate, Loyal, Articulate. Fiesty because she has been...

 To speak out or not speak out that is the question. I have at various times in my life spoken out. It's always an interesting experience. On one occasion I left a job and a senior service manager called me and asked me to stay. When I explained I had a new position and detailed that I should have been moved to a permanent contract by now.... and a few other things that had not sat right with me, little did I know he would investigate further and find far more than I realised. Then there was the time when I was working in care and in a supervision session, I commented on a staff hand over that made me uncomfortable and the supervisor investigated and moved a member of staff so they no longer worked alone. Injustice and people abusing their power annoys me, Sadly though I have been the victim of people abusing their position far too often and sometimes I get wounded in the crossfire. Call me fiesty if you want but I have been a victim who has been silenced and hurt, It is funny how ...

 There is so much of me that is unseen. Even when I am in someone's face.... it can be like I am talking Chinese to them... people don't listen... or presume that the know me.... when the reality is they have no clue.... The story of my life really. That is not however what I am writing about today. Some of you know already I have had a horrible few weeks changing my epilepsy drugs. Pushing myself to the point of being drugged in order to prove to the doctor that I knew already that their suggested amount on the new drug was too high. Thankfully its sorted now.... although its still early days... There is still time to lose everything that I have fought hard for. The thing is I fall within a small  percentage of epileptics and therefore in one sense I am very fortunate but in another sense not being in the normal band can be difficult. People forget or don't always get that I still do things to adapt, or try and stay seizure free.  You just don't see it. In recent weeks...

 Will your Anchor hold in the storms of Life? An old Hymn that my dad loved. I think a lot of men his age liked it... it seems to have been a Boys Brigrade favourite in a certain era. My dad left notes in his diary to say that was a hymn he wanted in his funeral. Tucked away at the back of his diary. We never even knew it was there. "We have an anchor that keeps the soul, Steadfast and sure when the Billows roll, Fastened to a rock which cannot move Grounded deep and firm in the Saviour's Love" Who among us have not need to ground ourselves in recent times. Restrictions are hard but Life is precious. We have all had battles in 2020.  Mental, emotional, financial and physical. How we navigate through them can make all the difference. For me, that has meant being intentional. Phoning my friends, reading, lighting candles, having my fire pit on... to name but a few. Early on last year my cousin called. The minute she called, I knew something had happened. Her words hit me......